Haze.

Fine art photography by Caryn Drexl

I have long debated what is too much to share - or who actually will care (or who really reads my posts).  However from some of you I have become quite close with and talk with one on one and I have gotten some really good advice from.  And I think, maybe I can help some of you in turn, if I share my experiences and open up a dialogue. 

For much of my life, and over the past few years even worse so, I have suffered from terrible, often debilitating migraines.  Up until the past year or so because of a preventative medication they could last for over a week and I could, at times, get a couple a month.  I was living half my life in excruciating pain. I've experienced 'complex migraines' (where part of your body goes numb) and what I believe are cluster headaches (also known as 'suicide headaches.')   There are a couple of food allergies I have (wine for one) and hereditary factors as well, though I've never been quite able to determine why exactly I get them every time.

This all seemed very closely linked, whether by correlation or causation, at the same time when, after dealing with extreme exhaustion and insisting on having my hormone levels checked (after my thyroid and sugar levels were fine) that I discovered that I had literally zero levels of testosterone and almost no estrogen.  From what I've read, testosterone levels, in some case studies, have been linked with cluster headaches.  I had been hearing on radio programs and reading a lot about the prolonged use of oral contraceptives and the impacts that they can have on the endocrine system; that the persistent use of them can shut off the production of testosterone in some people.   I'm taking part in a natural hormone replacement therapy now.

The extremely high dose of the preventative medication I seem to need to be on has its drawbacks - it makes me, how do I put this, stupid.  I honestly feel like I am going through early onset Alzheimer's.  I write words backwards, forget what I'm doing half-way through doing it, put the groceries away in the wrong place, I forget what I'm saying when I'm talking, I draw blanks when asked a question all the time; and worst of all I'm aware of these 'short comings' and it so so frustrating.  I once took pride in my quick-witted charm.  But, my migraines, though they do still exist, are about one-third the strength they used to be and not nearly as frequent.

And now, still I feel tired when my hormones get low, because my endocrine system may never work quite right again and I'm not sure if I will need to take the migraine preventative medication forever.  The frustrating haze I feel like I'm in is suffocating, deafening at times and is so difficult to describe to anyone else.

Fine art photography by Caryn Drexl